Pass the People Food Please
By Trixie

Would someone please tell me why you humans think we animals don’t like your food? I mean I really wanna know. Did some pooch, back a zillion years ago suddenly speak to his Master and say, “Oh none for me thanks, you know people food just tears my tummy to pieces!” I DON’T THINK SO… And the whole “Master” thing. That came from? I think this man’s best friend relationship needs an overhaul; therefore I am taking it upon myself to represent the Animal Kingdom, or Queendom, however you want to view it, and setting down some new rules. They are:

1. If you dog/cat/bird/other sits and stares at you while you are eating, share. We are not sitting there staring because you’re amazing. There’s a reason. We want some of whatever it is you’re eating. Give it to us. Do not worry about a possible mess for later. Come on people…I’ve seen the Queen change a baby’s diaper that held stuff no human should emit. Ick! And you worry about a little trail of mine?

2. Anyone who has over five pairs of shoes in his/her closet is fair game. Do the math. You have two feet and I have four. Who needs more shoes? I don’t wear any; however I do need to sharpen my teeth occasionally. Who’s the glutton here? So, if I happen to eat/tear/damage one of them, get over it. You still have four pair left. How am I suppose to know what’s “in season?”

3. When you have company, DO NOT start with “bad dog…bad dog…get off the sofa” thing. YOU are the one that taught me how to get up on the couch in the first place. Who do you think you’re fooling? Once they leave, you not only sigh in relief, you say, “Come on up here and keep mamma company.” Does the word “therapy” mean anything to you at all?

4. I’m going to say this one really nice and slow. I DON’T DO TRICKS. Get a life, quit watching Animal Planet, and for Pete’s sake woman, I do not want to wear a hat. Come here. Look closer. Little closer. SEE THOSE EARS? Now…do you understand WHY I don’t want to wear a hat?

I want to make it perfectly clear that I reserve the right to modify or change these new rules and that they’re in effect immediately…henceforth…and forevermore. If you have complaints, talk to the paw cause the big ears ain’t listening. GET IT?

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