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ROYAL
GREETINGS!
Yuhoooo!
I think we should rename this
newsletter, "ALL THINGS WHENEVER" 'cause I seem
to write one. . . whenever. I know . . . I'm a
toad.
Well, what the heck. I mean, it is
F-R-E-E, and let's face it folks, some days I have to
make the choice of writing a newsletter, or . . . eating
chips and dip and watching a Sam Elliott
movie. You lose.
Hey, the last time I wrote something like this I got two
emails requesting a refund; so I sent them a check.
Why yes, I'm partially blonde, why do you ask?
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CONTE$T 
I said we'd have a super-duper contest . . . well okey,
doakey, before more of you write and want your money
back, let's do it. What about calling the contest . . .
YOU NAME IT!
You like?
Obviously the first question is,
"and we name WHAT, Queenie?" . . .
that is, right after you ask me if I really DID send
refunds to readers. Hey, I was sharing a brain that
week, what can I tell you?
Here are three pictures. Your mission, should you
choose to accept it, is to pick ONE of
the pictures and email me a CAPTION to go with it.
Make sure you mention the picture NUMBER.
Tell me what the picture says to you, or what you think
it should say to the world.
There will be
THREE PICTURES and this means THREE
WINNERS with each winner receiving a prize.
First Place
$50.00 + a copy of A Funny Thing Happened on the
Way to the Throne, AND a copy
of The Complete Writer's Journal
Second Place
$25.00 + a copy of A Funny Thing Happened on the
Way to the Throne
Third Place
A copy of The Complete Writer's
Journal
The pictures are . . .
PICTURE No. 1
PICTURE No. 2
PICTURE No. 3
So without further AH-DO, (ewwww . . . that
word gives me the heebie jeebies) I give you da
guidelines for the exciting new royal "YOU NAME
IT!" Contest.
CONTEST
GUIDELINES
You must be a subscriber to this newsletter
You must be 18 years of age or older
Pick ONE picture and send in ONE caption per
PERSON (This means that you can enter this contest
ONE TIME. UNO...ONCE...Capish?)
Contest will run ONE ENTIRE MONTH FROM
TODAY. Do not write to me on the eve of the contest
ending date and ask me who won. I will hunt you
down and shave your head.
Winners will be notified via email. If you have one
of those "we're blocking you because we don't
know you" EMAIL BLOCKERS, I will pass you by
and go to the runner-up. Don't make it hard. I have
money to give you. Put me in your APPROVED
senders list NOW.
Captions sent in must be family-friendly. I don't do
smut.
__________________________________________
And now . . . on with da
show---
ALL THINGS ROYAL
Queen WHO-DO?
Some days it helps to have friends who will just listen,
and then other days it helps to have friends with vodoo
knowledge and straight pens.
Am I right?
I met someone recently through a mutual friend and
bless her lonely heart; this person absolutely pushes
all my buttons. The
wrong ones. I keep thinking of that
good old country song, "How Can I Miss You If You
Won't Go
Away?"
This person has latched on to me like white on rice.
Like a fly on peanut butter. Like single women on E-
Harmony.com. For some reason, she thinks I'm her
personal Dr. Phil. She calls me before making
decisions about her life, and is constantly wanting my
advice on men, dating, and love.
ME! The person whose relationships expired before
the date on the milk carton. She still rings me
up for advice.
The phone rings all the ding dong day and although I
have Caller ID, sometimes I'm so intense with
writing, that I forget to look first, answer phone later.
You know?
She called the other day and asked me if I had any
new advice. I said, "Yeah, never catch snowflakes with
your tongue 'til all the birds have flown South." She
just laughed and said I still had the best advice
around. Sigh ... I said, "Sure, why not. Take mine. I
don't use it anyway."
The dialogue lately goes something like this:
Ringggggg ...
"Queenie, are you busy?"
"Ah, honestly? Yes. I 'm--,"
"Okay, but this won't take long," I should live that
long.
"I've got a problem and I need your help." Enter
Queen
of the Saps.
I don't mind helping anybody, but when you start telling
me personal stuff, I want to make the sign of the cross
and say, "back awayyyyyyyy from the needy." I am not a
therapist and I don't play one on TV. Although, ahem ...
I'm sure I could ...
Miss Lonely Hearts breaks out into a tirade about how
men don't find her attractive and could it possibly have
anything to do with her tatoo? She asked me for my
honest opinion.
Oh boy . . .
An opportune time for an open debate on the "Hell
Loves Me" tatoo she's sporting, but in the interest of
time and MY sanity, I said, "Are you kidding me? Its SO
you and the pitchfork really does lend itself
to conversation---but listen, I reallyyyyy need to get
bac ---"
"Well, if that's not it, could it be the new bumper sticker
on my car? Personally, I think it's very hip,
don't you?"
Does anyone say "hip" anymore?
Because of my "whimp-e-ness, I offered up another
half-truth and said, "Oh sure hun, every single woman
should have a Born to Marry sticker on their car.
We're talking man magnet. I'm thinking I'll get one next
week." Right after I have my phone service
disconnected.
You know me, I don't like to talk about people ... but
this woman has more emotional luggage than there
are Elvis sightings and I knew if I ever wanted to get off
the phone, I'd better not raise any new issues.
Finally, blessed silence. Unplugging my phone was
liberating! I've even be able to put out a newsletter and
a new contest; just for yo-----
Ding Dong!
The doorbell? Hmm . . . I wonder who that---Oh for the
love of all that's tatooted!
Good thing we're changing
this to ALL THINGS WHENEVER . . .
Till next time ~~~ QJJ
__________________________________________
Daily Royal
Flush:
I have this theory that
chocolate slows down the aging process . . . It may
not be true, but do I dare take the chance?
~ Unknown
and
another . . .
Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are.
---Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
(Hmm...that makes me cheap, sweet, and not
good for you)
__________________________________________
~NEW~
Happy Birthday to
YOU!
 Is it your birthday
next month? Come on, let us celebrate with you!
I promise not to sing. Pinkie swear.
Starting with the next newsletter, I'll be listing
anyone who has a birthday for the MONTH. Just drop
me an email and let me know you'll be having yet
another birthday (haha...ahem) and I'll put it in the
newsletter. Please only send in birthdays for yourself.
You don't have to give the year, or even the day if you
don't want to share it. But let us
celebrate your special day, won't you? I mean I did
pinkie swear ...
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Got suggestions? Feedback ... I
love it. Bring it on!
Email addy at the bottom. I love hearing from you!
__________________________________________
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| Race Horse Brother-In-Law Deal ... |
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Hurry, just a
few journals left!
Order your autographed copy of " A Funny Thing
Happened on the Way to the Throne,"
winner of
the 2005 Best Mainstream Novel Award
from Preditors and Editors,
and I'll include "The Complete Writer's Journal" as my
gift to you.
103 pages for you to record your
innermost
thoughts, keep track of "to-do" lists, make sketches,
notes, record important phone numbers/addresses,
draw maps to where you hid the bodies, or maybe jot
down your favorite recipes.
103 PAGES ... 103 USES!
And it's yours; a gift from me for
purchasing my book.
Each page of the journal has a bit of wisdom from
writers, teachers, promoters, illustrators and
publishers; including da Queen here (Page 15).
Just click the "buy now" button below to order thru
paypal. Don't have a PayPal account? Not to worry.
Just visit my
web site and use the PO
Box address there to send me a check, (or Paypal).
Don't forget to mention who you would like
the book autographed to!
Our Price:
$14.95
USD
Buy Now
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Learn More
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QUEEN JAW JAW
The Queen of Experiences |
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Welcome subscribers! I
sincerely hope you enjoy
each issue of All Things Royal. If you do, drop
me a line using the email below.
If you don't ... LIE ... just lie to me, honey.
Queen Jaw Jaw
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