Meet the Featured Whiners of the month: Toby Jones and Sammy Kimmell

From Toby Jones - Dear Trixie,

I'm in big trouble! My person got her suitcase out today. AND there is a tote bag on the table with my food and toys tucked in it and it says "KENNEL BAG" in bright red colors. I've seen it come out before and it’s NOT good news!

She’s been trying on outfits all day and paying no attention to me at all! I know something terrible is about to happen. I tried being very sweet (thinking she might reconsider) but that didn't work. So I tore up the paperback she was going to take. She cleaned it up while muttering words I haven't learned yet. I also destroyed two rolls of toilet paper and dragged her keys under the bed. Again! (That one really seems to get her goat; she mumbles stuff about someone named Arthur Rightus while she crawls under the bed to retrieve them). But then, she went right back to packing that suitcase.

Do you have any suggestions? Good doesn't work. Bad doesn't work. Right now I'm being as pitiful as I can and it is getting her attention....but I still think I have a trip to the kennel in my immediate future. Please send help!! 

Love, Tobias Jones

Tobster, let me guess...you're new to this owner-pet gig, right?

Let’s recap, shall we? You tore up her book, two roles of toilet paper, hid her keys to the moving machine and yet you’re wondering why on God’s green earth she doesn’t want to snuggle? I have to admit that “look” you’re giving in the pic speaks to me and says, “I’ve been a baddddd boy, forgive?” Smart move on your part, kiddo. You might just get to keep your ah … parts.

Lesson 1 – Books are our friends. I know because I did the same as you in my youth. You would have thought I set fire to her fake eyelashes. What? You didn’t know da Queen has—ahem, never you mind.

Lesson 2 – Never, ever, ever, tear up the toilet paper kiddo. Do you want HER to start going in YOUR territory? Ew…

And lastly,

Lesson 3 – You’re getting a vacation, sport. Enjoy yourself. After all, she DID pack your toys and food. Now if she packs your blankie, be afraid. This could mean she ain’t coming back. You might want to check on that, Tobster…

Listen kiddo, breathe…relax. It’s been my experience that any owner who lets you get away with mass destruction is yours for life. My guess is she’s just doing a little R&R. No, that is not Run and Rowdy…it’s something humans do to get away from it all…including you. Mahahah…ahem. Okay, that wasn’t funny. Sorry…teehee. She’ll be back. Trust me.

Who luvs ya, huh? Trixie does babe…

From Sammy Kimmell–Breakfast Choices

Dear Trixie:   I have to admit, I have a pretty soft life here with my parents out in the Virginia countryside…..we have lots to keep me busy including an abundance of other wildlife for me to keep an eye on from every window in the house. We have deer, groundhogs, skunks, foxes, squirrels, birds….but my FAVORITE thing is moths. Yep - moths. When Mom and I go out in the morning for our first walk of the day together, it’s usually still dark. I can usually find quite a few moths flying around and I just love to catch them and EAT THEM! What a great snack…..they are nice and crunchy and I’m sure for ME they are like having a bowl of Cheerios which humans love to eat. I think my Mom was kind of grossed out when I started doing that, but she’s used to it now and lets me have my fill. I usually eat about five or six of them before I’m ready to explore the REST of the yard.

My question is this: what harm is there in chomping down a moth or two (or five) for breakfast every morning? When Mom tells other people that I eat them, they usually get all grossed out…..when I happen to think moths are delicious and nutritious! People eat weird things - don’t you think??? So why can’t I enjoy my morning moths for breakfast. Maybe I just need to get Mom to keep my breakfast “passion” quiet……no need to tell everyone. Every family has secrets - right???

Your Friend and Admirer, Sammy Kimmell

Trixie says...

Sammy,
If you weren’t such a hunk, I would be really worried about conversing with a cat that has a dog for a cousin. It ain’t natural, Hun. But then again, neither is moth-eating. So here I am.

Some might say you’ve snapped, crackled, and popped. But not MOI. It just so happens, I am an authority on the subject of yard smorgasbords and I have been known to nip a bird or two in my time. (Oh boy, I’ll get letters on THAT one).

Why not solve this by having one of those Sam-to-Mom talks? Let Mom know, gently now, that you have a rep in your county, state, and region, and she reallllllly needs to give it some thought before she throws out some of your more private details. Coach her, do a dry run before she jumps on the gossi—huh, I mean before she begins chatting with the neighbors. I’m sure she will be glad to have the insight.

You like you digs, right? Then you don’t want to screw up what you got going there, kiddo…trust me. Try living with da Queen why don’t ya. Eeeek!

Sometimes Humans just don’t “get it” and we have to lead them. So take her aside, tell it like it is, and make sure you use your “I really care about you” voice. Easy does it. I heard they can be fragile. Make sure you don’t go on and on about it though cause she might want to try a moth or two herself. You think I’m joking? I heard one of da Queen’s friends just the other day tell about eating snails. Snails, for Pete’s sake. And eveeeerbody knows that “snail eaters” ain’t right. They eat them in a car apparently, because she called them “esCARgots.” I call them “esCARgross!” Ew. Humans, are they weird or what?

Bon Bug Appetite…da Trixster.

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